I haven't had time for introspection so I just have a rich inner world bubbling out unpredictably. My inner world is very rich. I think I got that catch phrase from many online quizzes about are you an introvert or not but it's serving me well. I could stay in my inner world interminably except I still have fear of missing out and too much energy. And no focus.
I was falling asleep for an afternoon nap, which I do by clearing my head of thoughts and allowing myself to slip deeper and deeper into unconsciousness, and I was having a very dominating vision. There was a giant man sticking out of a field, from only his knees up, and he was some kind of authoritarian. A population was scattered throughout many fields (I had a wide scope of vision) and their thoughts were clear and visual above their heads, and also very disparate from each other - thoughts like "yes!" "always" "there". All of it very Yellow Submarine. The authoritarian giant turned his body mechanically and pointed his finger across the heads of the fields and sent out the thought (can't remember for certain) "everywhere.", and suddenly every head thought began to read "everywhere." in the same font and color. The giant was apparently homogenizing the fields because it amused him. He sent out the thought in waves, with force each time, like a blow of hot air, and the oppressiveness of it literally caused the fields of people to sink a little lower each time. The giant was apparently oblivious or didn't care that each time the fields of (his?) people sank, the field where he was too sank, a few seconds later in reaction to the ground resettling. I used the opportunity to sink down with it into sleep.
This is probably really annoying so I hope no one reads this. I have been talking about self esteem a lot to a lot of people, because of trying to deal with very important times of hating myself. I told JT sometimes I am feeling very anxious and I know exactly what to do to fix it but I decide to stay there instead. He says that is like a friend asking for help and I am telling them to fuck off or worse, sure I'll help you! and then dodging it forever more
another dream I recently had which I no longer remember clearly but like a lot:
This woman hired me to teach her son how to cook. I had a piece of bologna, very circular and chemical, and I was demonstrating how to prepare it: tear into small pieces, like the size of a dime. I set him to work doing that and he got a good pile going. Meanwhile I was cutting up a conventional red delicious apple but in a weird way - first I cut off a third, then I cut that third in half with a perpendicular cut from the first. Then with the other section of the apple I cut off the top. I was supervising the kid. The mom came over and said, "my, aren't you having fun! We're going to have to have you come back more often!"
also I had a dream where I was in high school and michael p showed me his SAT scores to prove it was 10 points higher than mine. second thoughts about turning 26 in college?
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