Something people have been saying to me in many different ways has finally clicked: When you take a person seriously, they learn that they matter and they take themselves seriously.  When people listen to what you say, they are showing you that what you say matters, that your words have meaning and power.  You grow more sensitive to your inner voice, no longer unimportant and wrong, and find it's telling you what you need all the time - and when you listen to it, you find it's usually right, especially as you get better at it, and things like happiness and contentment and success are no longer so nebulous and unobtainable.  Look at you! Self-sufficient and powerful. 
I tend to regard things children say as whimsical, and to disregard things my peers say, replacing it with my own errant suppositions, and I think it's not a coincidence I have a history of flippantly regarding my own abilities and decisions.

psychic

okay someone with linux likes my dumb blog.  I'm assuming it's my mom. hi mom.

I went to a psychic, highly recommended, yesterday.  The day before that I took the young hogman (RD Hogman) to see a veterinarian.  In the much poorer aftermath I can't decide which one was a bigger scam.  For RD, a lady did a three minute exam (he's great! just fine. what a healthy boy!) that was $48 and then disappeared into the back room with my little baby to $trim his nails and $two $other $tests I apparently authorized by not knowing what was going on.  I guess this is normal.

With the psychic, highly recommended, I guess I am much lower than before.  I am afraid to admit how excited I was to meet someone who had any concrete information about the world (since I always feel like I have none).  But her system of ruse was apparent almost immediately, so I indulged her politely, even excessively, to help facilitate the show, prevent awkwardness.  She's very charming and I wondered if she was disappointed in my gratuitousness even though it's what she was fishing for.  The way we'd quietly prefer a kid who talks too much while the teacher is talking, a dog who is smart enough to run away, and a teenager who does dumb daring things. 

Her system is as follows.  I hope I get the opportunity to parody it very soon.
You ask about your future, she needs you to be more specific.  Narrow it down to some choices.
She closes her eyes (to consult with your team of spiritual advisors and her interpretation of your energies)
She begins to smile and laugh and say:
oh my that is so interesting!
my goodness you are unique.
they are showing me an image of ______ ... Idk why, do you have any idea?

The last is fishing for more info, which she has an excellent memory for, by the way.  A helpful person or a person who sees a psychic because they REALLY need answers is like "omg is the old man you're seeing my grandpa?" and she is like YES! He is nodding his head vigorously! He says he didn't want to interrupt. He misses you.  He's doing fine- he can walk around now.  He's patiently waiting for your grandma.  Time passes differently there.

She carefully remembers who of your family is alive or dead (whatever way she purloined the info - by directly asking or by remembering when you talk about it as related to something else) and "taps into their energies" by mentioning some general stage of life stuff she probably learned while getting her doctorate in psychology.  Eg, 'a. boyfriend in his late twenties - unsure of what he's doing with his life, perhaps?  Wanting to make the next step but feeling like he needs to get everything in order first?  b. Father with adult daughter - wondering if he spent his life the right way?  Would love to hear his daughter's voice, even though he won't unload all his burdens on her...  Tell your father he will partnered again.  I don't know how he feels about taking guidance from a psychic...'

In all, her style was intended to affirm and instill confidence.  She repeatedly said things like "wow, you are so supported.  Your spirit guides watch everything you do.  They say you have all the powers within you, you just need confidence to listen to your intuition and follow it."  I suppose I appreciate that she doesn't want to make her clients emotionally dependent on her, nor forecast trauma and fear.   I feel like most people I know are way too skeptical to even see her in the first place and especially pay her rate - cheap for a true psychic, outrageous for a hack.  And I suppose that's how she keeps away people who won't tolerate a youngish blonde woman encouraging them with animal totems and welcoming those people who need them for reassurance and direction.

What now follows is my rough memory of what went down, heavily flavored by my sadness.  And more exciting for me to read than anyone else, because we talked about me me me for an hour (on my dollar)

She offers me water, or tea.  I say I'm fine.  She wants to know what I need help with and I say my life is a confusing mess and I want to know what I should do with it.  She's like do you mean your career?  What options are you deciding between?  I know there's a burning idea in there somewhere.  I reluctantly tell her I will probably be some kind of teacher or writer because that's what everyone tells me I'm good at.  I want to play music probably but I'm not a very good musician so likely story.  She says she will have to take a moment of radio silence to tune into my energy and consult my spirit panel.

She closes her eyes for about ten seconds and smiles.  "Wow," she says, opening her eyes and looking at me directly.  "They are so bright - a bright white light all around you.  They care about you so much.  I have never seen anyone so guided and protected." (I mean who doesn't want to believe that?) "The first thing I see is that you will be well known.  I see you teaching, definitely.  Playing music but that is not the main aspect - you seem to give some kind of lecture.. and you're traveling.  Learning about the places you go and teaching about them and playing their music.  And you have a child you're traveling with.  Your child." I'm like "hey that's pretty cool."  She's like "but..the spirit guides say you have ideas already.  They say you should listen to yourself because you can make those dreams come true.  You just need to have confidence." (I told this to JT later who was like ughhh I say that to you all the time, I'm just gonna charge you $100 an hour next time.  Then the psychic said "The spirits say you have another passion... a burning one.  What is it?"  "Well.  I like to use my body.  I imagine that will be part of my career."  The psychic is like "YES. That's what they're showing me.  You don't give that up, it somehow becomes PART of your career.  You... you don't just play piano...?" I told her I play in calypso band, where I move a lot.  "Yes! I saw people dancing to your music, but how is that possible with just piano? Also. I see kids.  You're teaching kids.  The spirit guides want me to give you some resources."  She writes down a couple of names of natural movement instructors/leaders in the bay area.  Wow, guides, how did you know to send me to colleagues of my psychic?  Did you send me here too?¿?

I ask her if I can see who's on my spirit guide panel.  I still really want to believe so I'm hoping she says my grandpa or something like that.  But I also feel guilty for putting her on the spot when she's clearly bullshitting me, because that's my personality.  But she seems excited so off she goes!  Let me tune in, she says.  Radio silence.  "Wow.  You have a huge spirit panel.  There are eight people.  I have never seen so many.  They come and go, you know.  The first two I'm seeing are animals.  A giraffe and a raccoon. " "raccoons are scrappy," I say, to be more helpful about my personality. "yes, you can look up animal totems, I'm not familiar with these especially."  She says, "is your.. is your mother still.. with us?" yes "and... her mother..?" yes "well.. I'm seeing them both as your guides.. how can that be?"  I don't know why I said this but I was like "ha ha yeah I feel like we're the same person sometimes.  Like we've.. been through together before, you know what I mean?  Like I've been my mom's mom before you know."  "OH MY GOSH yes you've all three been together MANY times before.  You have been your grandmother's daughter and your mom's mom and you've all been sisters..."

My further spirit guides:  "An old man is stepping forward.  He has long white hair, and a long white beard.  He says he was a teacher of yours.."  I'm like, hmm. "He was with you in a past life and now wants to keep a special eye on you."  I'm like "oh I guess that's mr. ribb, my high school latin teacher." (who kept his beard and hair close trimmed in good roman taste) "Yes, that's him.  He says you assimilate information in such an interesting way.  He says you should write more...  Do you have a younger brother?" We deduce she feels this about my stepmom's kid and not about andrew. "He's a guide to your younger brother too.  You'll see as he gets older."  I message sorayasus to say to not let any old men with long white beards into the house and she says too late.  Another spirit guide I have is a big woman with curly red hair called Luna.  I give no clues of knowing who the hell this is so the psychic just goes off on her own telling me about her.  How she's been with me since I was a little kid and she's the voice of my intuition. Creepy.  But a big red headed clown lady sounds like a hoot.  Luna also says there's another animal guide, an eagle.  The psychic says "I know this one. It means leadership."  I am uncomfortable perhaps because this spirit guide conversation is faltering, so at seven I give up and ask if I am going to marry JT.  Basically she says "the spirit guides aren't showing me because they want to protect the delicacy of the situation."  Then woman to woman, I'm sure, "follow your heart.  He hasn't made up his mind about what to do with his life.  He listens to every word you say, you know, even when he doesn't respond." (I'm like haha yeah I know *blush*) "If you go where your heart takes you, I see him following."  (I'm like ahah yeah I know *blush*)

I'm basically out of material to be guided about, so I decide to tackle the real existential stuff. My apologies to the psychic for putting her thought out and possibly genuine answers in a nutshell.
1. Why are we reincarnated?  "Our soul has more work to do deducing the nature of humanity.  We have to keep coming back in many roles to understand the different natures of being a human."

2. Why can't we remember our past incarnations? "Because there may be past-life trauma that would be too stifling to remember.  Although we do sometimes remember the trauma in our bodies.  And children can remember past lives totally.  There was this girl in India... (long story).  Also, because remembering your pasty life would prevent this one from occurring in naturalness."

3.  Do you ever have to deliver bad news to your clients?  "Well sometimes I can see bad news and the person's guides are like 'please, don't tell them.' and I'm like 'really??? okay...' because they don't want to influence your life.  Also when I deliver specific bad news, people tend to live up to them as facts - I'm writing my doctorate thesis on how cancer patients learn they have three weeks to live and die on the date they were told as if they were unchangeable.  You know you have free will."

4.  Are you in touch with your spirit guides? I mean obviously yes but what do they tell you? "Oh boy am I ever.  I get into screaming matches with them sometimes! They have the patience of saints.  They tell me to do stuff all the time and I ignore them."

I was absolutely worn out by this point in the hour, but she allowed a few more dead relatives to make visits.  She mentioned a dog and I gave her the info and let her say daisy is happy and running around.  "Possibly with someone else you both knew who died...?" no, I say.  The other dead relatives not mentioned here for discretion.
She closed with, "remember you are so. strongly. guided.  You don't need to know where you're going, just follow one step laid out for you at a time - your heart knows the way.  Remember that a car driving at night only has to see what the headlights have laid out to drive safely."

So anyway I am now giving psychic/spiritual guided counseling for half the rate if you want to visit me.  My spiritual powers have been awoken in full and I feel strongly that I can access the powers that surround you to assure you that you are still alive until you are dead.

state of the union scratch sheet

I haven't had time for introspection so I just have a rich inner world bubbling out unpredictably.  My inner world is very rich.  I think I got that catch phrase from many online quizzes about are you an introvert or not but it's serving me well.  I could stay in my inner world interminably except I still have fear of missing out and too much energy.  And no focus.

I was falling asleep for an afternoon nap, which I do by clearing my head of thoughts and allowing myself to slip deeper and deeper into unconsciousness, and I was having a very dominating vision.  There was a giant man sticking out of a field, from only his knees up, and he was some kind of authoritarian.  A population was scattered throughout many fields (I had a wide scope of vision) and their thoughts were clear and visual above their heads, and also very disparate from each other - thoughts like "yes!" "always" "there".  All of it very Yellow Submarine.  The authoritarian giant turned his body mechanically and pointed his finger across the heads of the fields and sent out the thought (can't remember for certain) "everywhere.", and suddenly every head thought began to read "everywhere." in the same font and color.  The giant was apparently homogenizing the fields because it amused him.  He sent out the thought in waves, with force each time, like a blow of hot air, and the oppressiveness of it literally caused the fields of people to sink a little lower each time.  The giant was apparently oblivious or didn't care that each time the fields of (his?) people sank, the field where he was too sank, a few seconds later in reaction to the ground resettling.  I used the opportunity to sink down with it into sleep.

This is probably really annoying so I hope no one reads this.  I have been talking about self esteem a lot to a lot of people, because of trying to deal with very important times of hating myself.  I told JT sometimes I am feeling very anxious and I know exactly what to do to fix it but I decide to stay there instead.  He says that is like a friend asking for help and I am telling them to fuck off or worse, sure I'll help you! and then dodging it forever more

another dream I recently had which I no longer remember clearly but like a lot:
This woman hired me to teach her son how to cook.  I had a piece of bologna, very circular and chemical, and I was demonstrating how to prepare it: tear into small pieces, like the size of a dime.  I set him to work doing that and he got a good pile going.  Meanwhile I was cutting up a conventional red delicious apple but in a weird way - first I cut off a third, then I cut that third in half with a perpendicular cut from the first.  Then with the other section of the apple I cut off the top.  I was supervising the kid.  The mom came over and said, "my, aren't you having fun! We're going to have to have you come back more often!"

also I had a dream where I was in high school and michael p showed me his SAT scores to prove it was 10 points higher than mine.  second thoughts about turning 26 in college?

dreams, more dreams

An intense week for dreams.  Perhaps because of heavy, poignant sleep.

Last night:
I am driving in my kia with someone else, and it's almost midnight and the new year.  We're looking up at the moon as I drive, because there is also going to be a total lunar eclipse at midnight.  It's getting closer and the moon looks spectacular.  We end up in Hollywood - I get a  materialistic hipster vibe, and I see the people outside these restaurants cheer because the new year just happened.  I'm fucked, because I wasn't even looking at the moon, and if midnight passed it means I'm late for work.  Apparently I'm supposed to be serving at one of these uppity restaurants.  I go into one through the backdoor, where two of my now married high school friends, Brittany and Katie, are also servers.  We were pretty close in high school, or as close as I got to anyone really, so maybe not that close.  In the dream they were wearing ornate engagement and wedding rings.  I look down at my hands and saw only a thick, clear plastic ring on my right ring finger.  Ha ha, I make some kind of joke.  Then there is controversy because one of them has their kids here and their estranged spouse is upset that they're out so late, and I try to fix it by making apple hummus with a mortar and pestle for the kiddos and showing the spouse what a fun time they're having.

Sunday night:
I remember being on another planet.  It's a small planet with a thin atmosphere, which I can tell because the curve of the planet is visible from where I stand, and the sky is deep, deep blue.  Or maybe I'm just high altitude.  I'm in a mountainous place that looks like south america and some of the more remote places of the trinity alps - rich, green vegetation, deep blue lakes, jutting granite (?) rock formations, a kind of surreality about it all, probably since I'm usually inside procrastinating.  I'm in a berry field with Vance and I think Ellen, also from high school.  They're raspberries and look dusted with crystallized sugar, but they're actually frozen.  I taste them and they're sweet.  We're on some kind of adventure, but talking about life and adult decisions as we go. 

At the edge of the berry field is a steep drop off with a rock wall.  I go to climb down and realize I've navigated to a protruding overhang that I don't have the strength or will to overcome.  This is too hard, I think, I shouldn't be expected to do this, I will just let go because it's absurd.  Then I look down, and see no kind of support system on the ground or air - I realize if I let go I'll fall a great height and break my back or die.  I'll just have to see how strong I am.  So, I force myself to find what strength I have and work back to the left where the incline is straight instead of protruding.  I make it there and also find a rope for repelling.  I climb down the rock wall now with glee, holding the rope and kicking way back from the wall as I lose height.

On the ground we're in a grassy sunny place with trees and these simple wooden structures, like an ineffective porch swing and a wooden crate basket, all overgrown with honeysuckle.  Someone's well intentioned project.  I realize this was meant to be PE equipment and my middle school PE coach Sam Jackson is around here somewhere. Uh oh.  I ask Vance a question but everything he says sounds like air escaping.  He sounds like the bottom of an aerosol can, with the bead rattling around.  I want to shake him so I can understand better! I remember (erroneously, but true in dream world) that he used to fill aerosol cans before he was a mallet sewer.

Saturday night:
I was somewhere... and I got  a call from Vheya on my cell phone, who was three in the dream.  At the place I was at, I was neglecting her - not intentionally but because I had to be somewhere for work or something and she said it was okay.  But now she was ready to be picked up.  I asked where she was and she was silly and vague - by some tower of dried indian corn... near a road... She finally asked someone for a specific location and I started to bike over there to get her.  It became stormy, flashing lightning and a downpour of rain, as I biked up and down hills on empty, wide streets.  I got her home (dry apparently) to her mother's house and she went into her room and got on her computer.  I wanted to talk to her and hang out with her, but she clearly seemed annoyed by people around because she wanted to learn things from wikipedia.  She was also clearly a genius three year old.

lucid dream

I was definitely lucid dreaming last night.  I experienced how long an unpleasant dream can be, when you're aware of it and trying to escape it. 

Several iterations of social exercises occurred.  I took a keyboard to farmers market and played the two songs I know, and John Chernoff came at laughed at the idea of a piano but wouldn't play.  I was in a house that had flood damage (no water now) and I had to grab everything that left.  I was in the Goodwill in Santa Monica looking at the entire rack of Leopard Print high heels and Kim Kardashian was telling me Paris Hilton used to be HER bitch, not the other way around.  I am guessing my brain just lives in scenarios and feels them out until they're boring, and I usually forget all but the last one.  Then I tell it to JT and we compose some metaphorical lesson from the tiny detail I remember, which is as accurate as every action in life is a metaphor or a finger pointing to some greater concept itself. 

In between every scenario and often during I tried desperately to wake up.  I pseudo woke up a lot of times and fixed the things that were bothering me - covered myself with the blanket, walked back down the hall to JT's room (I left earlier frustrated because he was playing snarky puppy really loud and it bled into the room where I was sleeping and I always feel bad when I make a hasty scene that causes drama, to keep my ego alive) and we made up, and every time I was able to rest in the comfort of everything being well in the world.  Then I would feel the couch still under my back and feel so helpless, frustrated.  This felt in a hazy, distant way.  Like a fever dream.  I begged myself to open one eye, to snap out of it.  I would use a lot of strength to open one lid for a brief second, but it was over powered by my stupor.  I willed an arm to cover me up with the fleece blanket at my feet.  It flung itself, unbending like it was frozen in the Yukon (I just read To Build a Fire) but I think I had success.  JT kept walking by and I made verbal contact with him, thinking much more than I could manage to say.  All that came out (I think) was "baby" to which he replied "hey baby".  I can't be sure any of this was happening.  Or if it was just my mind appeasing itself, more hypotheticals.   I thought, surely this is what it means to lose your mind.

In the last dream I was so frustrated.  So over it.  These dreams seemed to last hours.  I finally said to myself, if this is lucid dreaming, why don't I just fly?  Why don't I just end this dream?  I was really cold at this point, and desperate.  Previously when this has happened, I convince myself to fall deeper asleep.  I'd been resistant to sleep and resting all day because I had been really sleep deprived, and any sort of non-moving resulted in a cloud of grogginess.  Even here in this dream I wanted clean sleep or awakeness, nothing in between.  So I set myself to waking up.  I felt a subtle buzzing my brain as it moved to a higher frequency and pitch.  That last part sounds ridiculous, but I recognized it from one candy experience where I was paying very close attention to my entire body, and felt distinctly when I was high, the moment it happened, based on the way my brain was buzzing.  The way an air conditioner or refrigerator buzzes.  I finally awoke, and trusted the consciousness instantly.  I shot down the hall so fast, trying to escape from that room and that ensnaring state.  JT's bed was warm but he wasn't there to tell about the dream. 

I think it is merciful to forget your dreams.  I think if I had to hear myself talk and reason all night without the suppressive check of physical reality, I'd be a coon eyed insomniac.   

all I remember about my dream is that someone showed me into a warehouse - giant, natural light, like the shopping mall dream I used to have a lot when I was a kid - and there was a giant obstacle course inside.  A carpeted ramp, leading to swinging monkey bars, then a giant network of scaffolding.  My thoughts flew to all the potential of the scaffolding.  I could train to be an acrobat here.  I already saw myself putting on the perfect music and running up the ramp, training like crazy.  I had the feeling that someone said exactly what my heart was thinking, and just the mention made it physically manifest.  How I felt at Suzanne's cocktail party when Kevin was talking about the dharma of Walt Whitman and Joan was talking about a sleeping room. like my far flung soul was being held warm and safe.

two extemporized poems

 I. I feel like Austin Powers learning everything that happened since the sixties every damn day.

again, all I do is ask questions.
so I endure endless lectures willingly,
in fact at my request,
and I take half-chewed on food for thought
(held together by its own conviction)
(crumpled into a tiny ball by me)
and stuff it into some wriggling muscle
on my tiny body.

There is nothing I can say to everyone
and hardly something I can say to anyone.
I don't like to shut people out or down
because what if I might miss something and what would I be then?
Swallowed words and swallowed sermons are my substance,
which I shit out daily, unrecognizable, as a natural digestive function.

II. facebook status verse

Though a time will come when I speak to you in and of all reality,

for now let’s speak in parable,

so we can agree at this point precisely.

Though our interpretations may vary wildly,

we will not be hindered in superlative pursuit.

I tell you that you are not of this world!

It is a false world.  There is another, greater.

While this is a world of comparison, fear of missing out,

collected friends, and justified adventures,

I promise, a Great, Curious, Missing In world all around this one !

We are all going there, when we are done here, you can’t unsee that.

Awkward and not at all eloquent,

we spend most hours of the day doing outrageously normal things.

Don’t go without some comfort: in all reality, you’ll find awakened

in your heart things that had no place here.